Newlyweds
by luna me and the slithery-dee
Summary: JOKESTER SPECIAL EDITION: Me and George stirring up trouble once again! Get the inside scoop on Harry and Luna's love life, from their first kiss to what went on during their honeymoon :wink, wink:...see page 123 for more details.
1. An Introduction by the Weasley Twins

**Disclaimer:** This disclaimer is about a disclaimist who disclaims all things that should be claimed but is only disclaimed because it has to be disclaimed because it wasn't the disclaimist's right to claim so that's why the disclaimer is called a disclaimer and not a claimer because the disclaimist disclaims but exclaims because the disclaimist has to disclaim when the disclaimist wants to claim but the disclaimist is forced to claim disclaiming instead of claiming claim.

**A/N:** Writer's block with the story 'Snippets'…hoping it would become popular, maybe THIS fanfic will…

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::PROLOGUE::

_This Fred and George Weasley, reporting for our magazine, _The Jokester. _It's nearing February and love is in the air…so we'd thought it'll be good to put some mushy romantic stuff in here and put aside all the jokes in place of a good ol' interview with our mate, the Boy Who Lived…we'll ask him about his recent marriage with Luna Lovegood and pretty much nose around in his love life!_

_Oi, Fred, let me dictate to the quill now!_

_Just let me-_

_You said we'll take turns!!_

_So? I'm not finished._

_You-_

_Sod off, I'm almost done here, just-_

_ARGH!!!_

_::scuffle::_

_Ugh, have your stupid input in the magazine then. Everyone knows I'M the one who founded it anyway-_

_Bugger off, poser. Look, I don't even have anything to say for the introduction._

_You know-the Legilimency-_

_Oh, yeah! Heh heh, we knew Harry wouldn't exactly give us word-by-word details about the good stuff, so we broke into his and Luna's mind and put in a little bit of what we saw…interesting stuff there was…_

_Not to worry, we so eloquently put it all in PG-rated form…or PG-11, really._

_Isn't it PG-12?_

_Dunno. Well, we had this very long and exhausting interview yesterday…lasted three hours, I think-but we do it for the fans, of course._

_Right, mate. So yesterday Harry and Luna arrived at our office early afternoon-_

_-we said one thirty sharp-_

_-but they came at one thirty TWO-_

_-so disappointed in them-_

_-how could they do that to us-_

_-but on with the introduction-_

_-boy, it's pretty long, isn't it?_

_Just get on with it, will you? THIS is why it's taking so long-_

_Okay, okay-no need to get all arse-hurt…so anyway, we got over the diappointment in a flash-told them courteously we were going to have the interview at _Three Broomsticks _and that we were going to pay. So we Apparated over there and-_

_Aren't we supposed to describe what they were wearing and stuff?_

_Well-they were wearing Muggle clothes-_

_Harry had on a green sweater-_

_-and khaki pants, I think-_

_Okay, what about Luna?_

_I dunno, weird stuff…_

_She had on a sundress and jeans-_

_The dress was purple-_

_-she said she charmed on the feathers and eggshells and that they belonged to the rare species of Glogokian Pirgles, load of rubbish-_

_-the jeans were splattered with inkblots and she had written stuff all over it-_

_Bizarre._

_But you have to admit-_

_-yeah, she looked kinda cute._

_Sorta._

_Just a little bit._

_::awkward silence::_

_So…_

_Eh?_

_Why don't we just show post up these embarrassing photos of you and Angelina last Christmas when they had just one drink too many? After all, you said romance and comedy go hand-in-hand, eh, Fred?_

_You wouldn't-_

_Oh,_ I_ would_

_::scuffle::_

_Ha! I got 'em now. Let me just stick them in the fireplace and we'll forget this ever_

_happened…_

_Hmph…I have copies…_

_What was that, George?_

_Why nothing, Fred. Let's just end this-_

_You said you had copies._

_Must've been hallucinating-_

_GIMME THEM!!!_

_ARGHH-! END! END! FRED, DON'T-ACK!!_

_::End::_


	2. It's A Start

**A/N: **The Three Broomsticks probably doesn't serve full meals, but in my story, (PoOF!) IT DOES!!

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George: I've got our Quick-Quotes Quill set so we can talk freely.

Harry: Isn't that the shit-talking quill that Rita was using?

Fred: Don't worry, mate, we wouldn't do that to you. Embarrassing you to death with propaganda we might do, but embarrassing you to death with lies we won't do.

Harry: Er-

Luna: ::blink::

George: WAITER!! Oh-hullo, Carol. (_takes on more flirtatious tone)_

Carol: Here are your menus. Call me when you're done deciding.

George: Can't you just stay a bit-

Fred: Shut your mouth, Fred, we're not here to see you wet your pants over some skanky waitress-

George: Did you just call her-?!

Fred: So what if I did?! What are you going to do about it?!!

::scuffle::

Harry: I think I'll get the steak.

_-THIRTY MINUTES LATER_-

::everyone eating::

George: Shemiuvbehpaehnseweh.

Fred: Don't talk with your mouth full.

George: ::swallows:: When did you turn into Mum, eh?

Fred: I'm going to pretend I didn't just hear that.

George: Anyway…I said, seems like you've been packing some weight.

Fred: Oi, I lost TEN POUNDS this summer!

Harry: He was talking to Luna.

Fred: I knew that.

Luna: Is this an interview? It doesn't seem like it.

George: It will soon. So how many months are you?

Luna: Well, I'm twenty-two years old right now. So I would be…two hundred and sixty-four months. What a peculiar question.

Harry: She's seven months pregnant.

Fred: Is it a boy or a girl?

Luna: That's ridiculous. Of course I'm a girl.

Harry: Girl.

George: What do you plan on naming her?

Harry: Well, er-I dunno. Whatever Luna wants.

Luna: I was thinking Debris. Debris Potter…or Serendipity. Aren't they grand?

Harry: Well, er-original, I guess. What about Deborah or Serena instead? They sound about right.

Luna: Those are silly names. What about Snorkack?

Fred: Come off it, Luna, those are-those are _words, _not names.

George: And Snorkack? That name can get your child beaten at school-

Luna: Harry, do you want to name our baby Snorkack?

Harry: ::gulp:: Well, maybe you could-

Luna: (_eyes blinking rapidly, always a danger sign)_ Are you the one carrying the baby, Harry?

Harry: N-no.

Luna: (_voice has lost dreamy quality, now he's in for it)_ Are you the one retching every night because of it?

Harry. No, but-

Luna: Then tell me, Harry, two months from now, do I suffer labor pains so _you_ can go ahead and name the baby something as silly _Deborah?_

Fred: ::cough::

Harry: ::squeak:: No.

Luna: (_fortunately, dreamy quality comes back)_ Good. Now what were you saying, George?

George: ::clears throat:: That, er-you look especially nice today.

Luna: Why thank you, Forge.

George: I'm going to pretend I didn't just hear that.

Fred: Okay, let's get on with the interview, people!


	3. A Question About Snogging

**A/N: **Didn't enjoy writing this as much as the other two. Hopefully you guys like it..

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**Our readers are dying to know…how'd your first together kiss go? Details, people, details!**

Harry: _(blush)_

Luna: Well, I suppose I made the first move. Harry's lips are very kissable, you know. And his tong-

Harry: _(blushing harder)_ Luna, do we really need to go into details?

Luna: Well, that's what interviews are for, aren't they?

Harry: Yeah-well, I only did this as a favor. I didn't really _mean_ to give everyone an insight on our love life. Just stuff like we're doing really well, the baby's healthy, and all that. The rest is personal and-

Fred: Now, now, Harry, don't go backing out at the very start of our interview. So how did _you_ feel, Harry? What was _your_ reaction?

Harry: _(squirming)_ Well, I was…kinda in shock. And I sorta blurted out..._(blushing again)_

George: _(leaning forward eagerly)_ Blurted out what??

Luna: _(smiling)_ 'It wasn't wet.'

_(The twins laughing uproariously)_

Harry: _(embarrassed) _Shut up.

Fred: No need to be so rude, Harry. Now, where and when exactly did this kiss take place?

Harry: In the Gryffindor common room, during the Christmas holidays-  
George: _(snigger)_ Alone, eh?

_(Harry ignores him)_

Luna: It was during Harry's seventh year and my sixth year at Hogwarts. Harry was still weeping over Stubby Boardman-

Harry: I was _not_ weeping!

Luna: Well, he was c_rying-_

Harry: I was _not_ crying!

Luna: ::pats Harry's head sympathetically:: I know so many people say boys don't cry, but don't let those stereotypes get to you, honey.

_(Fred and George stiffle their laughter)_

Harry: I was _mourning_, okay?

Fred/George: Whatever you say, Harry, whatever you say.

_(Harry ignores them)_

Harry: _(continues)_ We were under the mistletoe and kinda…uh-got caught in the moment of it all.

Luna: _(smiling fondly at Harry)_ He was such a good kisser, I didn't even mind the terrible threat of nargles. Although when he decided to make the second move-

Harry: _(clears throat)_ Let's steer away from these treacherous waters.

Luna: Don't be silly, Harry, the readers would enjoy what had happened next. Well, he tried to kiss me back, although I supposed it must've of been his first time to do so, because his lips landed on my chin and we bumped noses.

_(Twins burst into fits of laughter)_

Fred: _(gasping)_ R…r…really?

George: _(too busy crying)_

Harry: _(angrily)_ SHUT IT, YOU!

Luna: Calm down, honey. Have you been practicing those breathing exercises from those anger management sessions for the hot-tempered? Remember, _hee hee hoo, hee hee hoo-_

Harry: _(attempting to hide smile)_ Luna, those are _your_ breathing exercises from _your_ aerobics class for pregnant women.

Luna: No…no, I'm quite sure, Harry-they were telling _you_ to-

Fred: Let's continue, shall we?

George: So what did you think of that clumsy kiss, courtesy of Harry? _(gets evil eye from Harry)_

Luna: It was rather amusing. But he was inexperienced back then, I couldn't blame him even if I tried. My kisses used to be just as sloppy-

Harry: _(sharply)_ Who've you been snogging with?

Luna: _(smiles mysteriously)_ Let's just say-quite a few people. But don't worry, Harry, they were all before you. Fred, that's such a nice jacket.

Fred: Thank you. Just bought it last week.

Harry: _(bellowing) _Don't you go changing the subject!

George: Need some water, getting thirsty-OI, WAITRESS, I NEED A REFILL!

Harry: _(whirls around on George)_ And you-!

Luna: I'm rather parched as well. Could you-?

George: Oh, sure. AND A REFILL FOR THE LADY, TOO!

Harry: Don't go ignoring me-!

Fred: Eh, let's all take a break. _End._

Harry: Lun-wha-?! I want some an-!

_::End::_


	4. Harry and Luna are WHAT?

_**-STOP THE INTERVIEW!-**_

**_The interview of Harry Potter and Luna Lovegood will now come to a halt, as commentaries from other interviewees are being shoed in at the moment. No need to fret, readers-the interview will continue to proceed in the next chapter. Thanks to _**absolutleyfabulous **_for this idea, sorry I didn't get to put in Mrs. Weasley! _**

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_Note: The following responses were given from a variety of sources in a manner of ways-letters, interviews, blackmail, bribery, harassment, MURDER-haha, just kidding. Ow! Oi, don't elbow me, Fred! Ok, so anyway, we gathered all this information two weeks ago, before Harry and Luna's interview, so things wouldn't get all complicated…and, er-hold on a second-ok…here goes…"commentary and/or statements written or said by said sources do not reflect the opinions of this magazine whatsoever and we should not be legally pursued if regarding any offense of what had been said." Basically, that means don't-sue-us-please-it's-not-our-fault. Dunno why it had to get all confusing like that but-FRED, I SWEAR THAT IF YOU JAB ME IN THE RIBS ONE MORE TIME YOU ARE GOING TO GET IT:scuffle:_

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**Name:** Ron Weasley

**Relationship w/ Harry:** Friend

**Relationship w/ Luna:** Friend

**Relationship w/ Us:** Heck, we don't know this guy

**Characteristics: **Tendency to be a tactless git, egotistical idiot, the works

**Reaction:** Astonishment/amusement

**Interview conducted by: **Fred Weasley

**When did you first find out about Harry and Luna and how did you respond to finding out, specifically?**

Well, I dunno, really. I guess after Christmas break, back when we were in Hogwarts. Harry told me, and I nearly had to kill him to do it. So first my eyes nearly popped out, and then I started laughing my arse off-Harry had to slap me into my senses. Then I patted him on the back and said "Congratulations, mate, really happy and all that, now let's play Quidditch."

**How do you feel about Harry and Luna's relationship, especially now?**

Er, I dunno. If they're happy, then that's it. I'd support them. End of story.

**Do you have any feelings of resentment towards Harry since he used to date your sister, Ginny Weasley, and ended up dumping her only to later hook up with Luna?**

Er…actually, to tell you the truth, I kinda have feelings of relievement. Is that a word?

**Any advice for the two?**

Well…no. Not really. I don't know, okay! _**(not only tactless, but brainless)**_

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**Name: **Hermione Granger

**Relationship w/ Harry: **Friend

**Relationship w/ Luna: **Friend

**Relationship w/ Us: **Tattletale and Stick in the Mud

**Characteristics:** Tendency to be a bossy know-it-all, teacher's pet, kiss-up, goody two-shoes, etc.

**Reaction:** Disapproval

**Interview conducted by: **George Weasley

**When did you first find out about Harry and Luna and how did you respond to finding out, specifically?**

I found out I had run out of parchment writing my fifteen-foot Charms essay so I went up to Harry's dorm to ask if he had any to spare, and I found them in a full-fledged snogging session. Quite frankly, I was embarrassed and dismayed. Oh yes, I was indignant too; I mean, Harry told _Ron,_ but he didn't tell me? And I never did get any spare parchment.

**How do you feel about Harry and Luna's relationship, especially now?**

Well, I was a bit skeptical at first. I suppose you could say I was _testing _Luna back then. You know how Luna is, I wasn't sure if she was a very good match for Harry. But now I have to say that I was really quite wrong. **(_You've heard it here, folks-Hermione Granger admitting she was WRONG! Now that's gotta be a first! A momentous occasion in the likes of our humble magazine! Haha, Fred, pay up,you owe me 6,012 Galleons, I always knew this day was going to come-)_**

**Ever since Luna has gotten with Harry, you and Luna seem to understand each other better. Do you see why Luna might believe so strongly in Crumple-Horned Snorkacks and Blibbering Humdingers?**

NO. Well, maybe because this herb extract Luna has in her tea every morning. It probably causes delirium and hysteria. That would explain a lot, with Luna's odd behavior and such. But I'm really quite certain that no such creatures do exist, although don't tell Luna I said that, I've been lying through my front teeth to her.

**Any advice for the two?**

Oh, yes. Plenty. Luna, whenever Harry talks Quidditch, plays Quidditch, watches Quidditch, _breathes _Quidditch, just smile and nod. I've been doing it for _years._ And Harry, keep Luna away from the kitchen; I let her use my microwave once and she nearly set the whole neighborhood on fire. She said something about Flakyfloguluses nesting in it and that all she was simply trying to do was incinerate them with her wand. Oddly enough, Ron nearly set the whole neighborhood on fire using my microwave, too; he said it was taking too long to warm up dinner and stuck his wand in it to "speed things up with a bit of magic." They're both idiots-two days later, and the neighborhood signs a petition that forbids me to use any electric household appliances within a six-mile radius of the block I lived on, after the second incident with Luna. Mum and Dad certainly weren't pleased.

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**Name: **Ginny Weasley

**Relationship w/ Harry: **Jealous ex-girlfriend with a serious case of deep denial

**Relationship w/ Luna: **"Friend"

**Relationship w/ Us:** Our dear, sweet little sister...who better dump that loser of a boyfriend of hers or else

**Characteristics:** Lots of spunk, a little too much rebellion for our taste

**Reaction: **Ersatz Composedness

_**(Note that we may have…er…exaggerated a bit regarding Ginny and her estranged relationships with Harry and Luna…but not very much…OW! Ginny, quit it! I'm telling them the truth, all right? No need to threaten me with your wand, now!)**_

**Interview conducted by: **George Weasley

**When did you first find out about Harry and Luna and how did you respond to finding out, specifically?**

_(remains stony-faced) _

**C'mon, Ginny. You voluntarily _agreed_ to participate-**

For your information, _George,_ I did _not _voluntarily agree, it took twelve Bat-Bogey Hexes for you to sod off and then you come and drag me off in the middle of the night for this bloody interview!

**Er...well, that's beside the point. Me and Fred _told _you you'd be getting something out of it. Now answer the question, there's a good lassie-**

Shut up. How much are we talking about?

**Three Sickles. Will that about do it?**

_(writes something down on a slip of paper and holds it up) _My terms.

**Bloody hell, Ginny! Whaddya think we are, made of money!**

What? It's not very much.

**Sorry, but I am disinclined to acquiesce to your request. **_(A/N: Quoting _Pirates of the Caribbean, hehe)

Is that a no?

**Yes. I mean, no. I mean, yes, it's a no.**

I'm leaving. _(stalks over to the door)_

**Noooooo, Ginny! Ok, ok, come back. I-I am inclined to acquiesce to your request now after a sudden change of heart.**

Is that a yes?

**Er, no. I mean, yes. Yes, it's a yes.**

Okay then. Let me remind you that if I don't get my terms fulfilled, you'll be getting a Bat-Bogey Hex again. _(sits back down and snatches cue cards out of George's hands) _Let's see...Hermione told me and that was it, Harry and Luna being together is fine by me, I do _not _feel and/or display any bitter feelings of resentment towards either Harry and Luna because I had briefly dated Harry several years ago, _no,_ I'm not lying, _no, _I'm not lying when I told you I wasn't lying in the sentence prior to this one, and my advice to Luna is that if Harry tries to divorce you for some stupid noble reason, jinx him until his head falls off. _(leaves)_

**Hey, I'm supposed to be asking the questions! This isn't an official interview unless I call the shots! GET BACK HERE RIGHT NOW, YOUNG LADY! Ah...no need for the wand, Ginny...I mean, go ahead and...well, I'll be sending you your dosh, then…_ (voice tailing away)_**

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**Name: **Cho Chang

**Relationship w/ Harry: **Estranged ex-girlfriend with a severe sidestepping (i.e., dodging old flames) problem

**Relationship w/ Luna: **Estranged acquaintance

**Relationship w/ Us: **Hell, the only thing we know about her is that she totally sucked at being a Seeker back in Hogwarts

**Characteristics: **Propensity to suffer mental breakdowns and psychological collapses (i.e., blubbing a lot) and generally being an oversensitive and melodramatic twit

**Reaction: **Mild Distress/Ersatz Composedness

**Shaky camera footage filmed by: **Fred Weasley

_Fred here, with my handy-dandy Hocus Pocus Has-the-Focus Camcorder©, just right outside of Cho's apartment complex. The reason for this stalkeriffic freakish behavior is that Cho hasn't responded to any of the requests we have Owled to her, asking for her consent to an interview. So me and George have decided that if we couldn't bring her to the interview, the interview could come to her! I have recently discovered that she has a Healer's appointment at eleven, so here I am. It's approximately 10:53 a.m., so she should be coming out any minute now…and when she does, I am fully prepared to bombard her with flustering questions. Hehe, the element of surprise is on my side…oi, I think she's coming!_

Fred: _(rushes in, camcorder and all) _How are you doing today, Cho? I believe we have met before. I am Fred Weasley, head honcho of the Weasley Wizarding Wheezes along with my brother George Weasley. We are also the head honchos of a really cool magazine, hope you subscribe someday and all that jazz-now, when did you first find out about Harry and Luna, and how did you respond to finding out, specifically?

Cho: _(hastily dodges the camera and tries to hide behind a peony bush)_

Fred: _(thrusts camera in her face) _So how did you feel? Angry? Jealous? Happy? Constipated?

Cho: _(runs for her life)_

Fred: _(chases after her, still recording)_ You still haven't answered my question!

Cho: Leave me alone!

Fred: I just want to ask you a few-

Cho: LEAVE ME ALONE! _(Disapparates)_

_**(Note: a lawsuit is still taking place, involving a restraining order and heavy fines, thanks to the stalkeriffic and freakish behavior of one Mister Fred Weasley)**_

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**Name: **Draco Malfoy

**Relationship w/ Harry: **Archnemesis

**Relationship w/ Luna: **Bullying Toerag _**(that'll be Draco, not Luna)**_

**Relationship w/ Us: **Friend _**(Stuffing his head down the toilet…punching him in the face…good times, good times)**_

**Characteristics:** Twitchy little ferret _**(hahahahaha, we've got pictures)**_

**Reaction: **Disbelief/Amusement

_Dear Weasley Blood Traitors,_

_I've gotten a stupid list of questions I'm supposed to answer in this letter, so…_

_1) I had heard of this little rumor from Goyle, although I thought it wasn't true, since it was coming out of Goyle's mouth and all. When I found out, I could hardly believe it-Harry had actually sunk down another level of loser-ness? I couldn't tell who was more bonkers, Saint Potter or Loony Lovegood. Well, they do make a very good match, considering how mentally disturbed they both are._

_2) I feel nothing for those idiots. I shudder to contemplate what they togetherdo in their spare time..._

_3) No comment. _**(Question was, "How does it feel, now that Harry has finally defeated You-Know-Who and kicked your sorry arse?")**

_4) Luna, next time you choose a husband, pick someone decent. And Harry-(bursts into laughter at this point)_

_Sincerely,_

_Draco Malfoy_

_P.S. I have completed the letter you requested. Now can you give me those pictures? **(go ahead and take them, we've got copies, hehe)**_

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**Name: **Neville Longbottom

**Relationship w/ Harry: **Friend

**Relationship w/ Luna: **Friend

**Relationship w/ Us: **Well, we don't really know him…isn't he the guy with the perpetually lost toad?

**Characteristics:** Kind of a wuss, really, but surprises everyone with bold and daring actions

**Reaction: **Disconcertion

_Dear Fred and George,_

_I got your letter. I guess I'm supposed to answer the questions now…well, I was kind of…er…well…yeah…when I found out about Harry and Luna. I am happy for both of them and my relationship with Luna was strictly platonic. I don't really have any advice for them but I really do have to go now, Gram needs me to run to the store to buy some wart remover._

_-Neville_

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**A/N: FINALLY! I UPDATED! YES! R/R!**


	5. Luna's Interview

**A/N: **I KNOW, I KNOW! I'm taking such a long time to freakin update for a story so short. But I hope this chapter's long enough for you to "make up for lost time"...PLEEEEEEEEEEEEASE READ AND REVIEW:)

Oh, and just in case you forgot-I don't own Harry Potter. You know why? YOU KNOW WHY? Because I distinctly remember putting a hat on the top of my head.

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George: _(adjusting quill) _Okay, we're back, Fred…

Fred: All righty, then! Harry, won't you finish your glass of water?

Harry: What's it to you?

Fred: I dunno, I thought you might want to drink it all…it'll be a WASTE of OUR money BUYING you THAT glass of water if YOU don't FINISH it.

Harry: The water's free here.

George: Just drink it all, dammit-! Oh, _Carol-! (flirtatious tone comes back again)_…what are _you_ doing here again?

Carol: Taking away your plates, if you're done with them. _(Fred, George, and Harry all hand her their plates) (Luna dreamily gazing out the window, fork almost to her mouth, still not done eating)_

Fred: _(shakes his head)_ Pathetic, George, simply pathetic.

George: Shut up.

Fred: Why d'ya fancy her anyway? Her face looks like an arse-

George: _WHAT DID YOU SAY!_

_-scuffle-_

Luna: You two fight a lot.

Fred: No, we don't.

George: Yes, we do.

Fred: Shut up.

George: Well, we DID have a scuffle ten seconds ago-

Fred: Just shut up.

George: No, YOU shut up and stop telling ME to shut up. Hey Harry, wanna see pictures of a VERY interesting Christmas-

Fred: _OH NO YOU DON'T-!_

_-scuffle-_

Carol: _(heads over to table)_

Fred/George: _(compose themselves)_

George: _(panting a little, but tone immediately becomes flirtatious) _Carol…are…you here to…er…ask me…something?

Carol: Yes.

George: Then it's YES! Of course I will. What about next ni-

Carol: Really? I was going to ask you if you wanted to be kicked out of here. You're disturbing the other customers.

George: _(crestfallen) (embarrassed) (Fred sniggering) _Oh, well…er…that won't be necessary.

Carol: Okay then. Try to keep it down, won't you? _(leaves)_

Luna: You like Carol, don't you?

Harry: Isn't it obvious?

George: Shut up.

Luna: She lives down the street from me, and it's not a good idea to be fancying someone like that, especially since she's the daughter of an evil wizard that calls himself Lord Smigoffus. He's the next You-Know-Who, you know, and I know for a fact that he's breeding Flakyfloguluses to take over the world, and Carol is most likely helping him-

George: WHAT? _(Fred sniggering again)_

Luna: I'm just telling you the facts; you really must look out for any signs of a Flakyflogulus when you are around Carol.

George: Er…

Luna: Oh, pass me the salt, will you George? You know, if you leave salt on the lee side of a rock during full moon, a Snorkack will come around looking for a mate…_(looks thoughtfully at saltshaker)_ But what would happen if you leave _pepper_ instead? Maybe the Snorkack will look for a fight…the possibilities of Crumple-Horned Snorkacks! Isn't it fascinating, Harry?

Harry: That's…fascinating.

Fred: _(abruptly changes subject) _So how about that glass of water, Harry?

Harry: _(looking suspicious) _Why do you care so much about my glass of water?

Fred: Can't a mate look out for the Boy Who Lived? Wouldn't want you to be getting dehydrated, now.

Harry: Okay, whatever. _(drinks the glass of water) _Happy?

Fred: _(grinning) _Absolutely.

Harry: _(moans) (clutches stomach) (rushes to the bathroom)_

Luna: -blink-

_(Fred and George laughing hysterically)_

George: The Instant Laxative Powder was a success!

Fred: Ok, now that Harry's out of the way-time for independent interviews! We'll be asking you questions about Harry and stuff-

Luna: Couldn't you have just told him to wait outside?

George: Luna, Luna, Luna-it's just not our style. Besides, we've been looking for someone to test it out on-

Fred: What's done is done. So now…_(shuffling cue cards)…_the first question I would like to ask is…

George: Why do you love Harry?

Fred: _(peevish) _I knew it, it's just that I paused for dramatic effect.

George: Whatever.

Luna: _(spacing out)_

George: OI, LUNA!

Luna: Mmmm…?

Fred: Why do you love Harry?

Luna: _(smiles vaguely) _Because he loves me for me.

George: Could you be a little more specific, please? And a little less cheesy?

Luna: _(looks at the saltshaker thoughtfully again) _Harry's accepted me for the way I am, and I love him for that. I also love him because of the twitch in his eye when he's angry, the sweat on his brow when he's playing Quidditch, the flowers he gives me each morning…it's just all these little things, really, though I don't really fancy the flowers, but I do know that he plucks them from Mrs. Perkins's garden, and she has a particularly mean Crup, and knowing that he's risking getting bitten by that dog or worse, it's really quite nice of him, and that's why I appreciate the flowers.

Fred: Okay then…let's see…hold on a moment, I've nearly got it now-

George: 'Has Harry changed the way you think, act, look or feel?' _(gets evil eye from Fred)_

Luna: In some ways, yes. He's made me feel beautiful. He's made me stop daydreaming so much. You know, I've always daydreamed a lot ever since I was young. I had no friends, you know, so I made myself daydream so I wouldn't need any and thought up some imaginary ones. In fact, I had this one imaginary friend I called Nicoletta, who was the most terrible person. She always liked yanking on my hair when we were younger. "Gimme it!" she would say, because she had no hair herself, as I had forgotten imagine some up for her. Of course, I couldn't giveher _my_ hair, so the only thing I could do was yelp, and that attracted a lot of stares in public. Finally I sent her away. I believe she's living comfortably in some faraway land where it's natural to be bald. I wrote her a letter three months ago; she's doing just fine. Well, I _think_ she is. She hasn't given me a reply yet. _(picks up saltshaker) _I swear this saltshaker is looking at me.

Fred: Erm-

Luna: I also came up with this odd little character-her name was Robert-and I'm afraid she didn't like having a boy's name so she'd always pull my hair, too. However, she _did_ have a knack for talking to spoons-

George: All right, all right, enough with the imaginary friends. Now-

Fred: Hey, I'm supposed to be asking the all questions, remember?

George: Right. But you're bad about it, so I'll just go and-

Fred: Oh no you didn't-!

George: Don't make me kick your arse again-

_-scu_-

Fred: We'd better not.

George: I second that.

Luna: -blink-

George: _(consults his cue cards) _So, er, does Harry have any habits that particularly annoy you?

Luna: Well, sometimes I wish he would stop obsessing over Quidditch. A few nights ago we were snogging and were just about to-

George: _(plugs his ears with his fingers)_ LALALA, I CAN'T HEAR YOOOU-!

Fred: We don't want to hear about THAT, Luna. Just-

George: LALALALALALA, I CAN'T HEAR YOU, I CAN'T HEAR ANYTHI-

Fred: SHUT YOUR PIEHOLE, BY GEORGE! Hehe, I always wanted to say that. Ok, so anyway…continue, my dear Luna.

Luna: Well, me and Harry were snogging, and then he suddenly pulls away and says it's seven o' clock and that it was time for the Quidditch World Cup to air on the magic telly. Of course I was feeling a little let down, because-

George: Wait, let me guess! _(produces thick, leather-bound book)_I boughtthis book called_ Sad and Mad Witches, Make Them Glad Witches! _in Diagon Alley. It's all about how to tell what women really are feeling and stuff like that. So, were you feeling "neglected because your spouse unintentionally chose an inanimate object/recreational activity/addicting but harmful vice over you during a private moment in which your perception of love was being conceived and shared only for your spouse to shatter your idea of perpetual love into pieces that will later make them scapegoats of your muted anger and their cool indifference?"

Luna: No. I was feeling rather disappointed because I wanted to watch a documentary on Crumple-Horned Snorkacks that night, but that too, I supppose.

George: I want a refund.

Fred: Whatever, George. Onto the next question, if you please.

George: Okay, er-_(consults his cue cards again) _Let's see…describe Harry in three words.

Luna: Brave…sexy, short-tempered.

Fred: I guess he's brave and all, and he's definitely short-tempered, but SEXY?

Luna: _(smiles slyly) _You don't know him like I do.

Fred:retches:

George: I kinda understand her point. Do you ever see the way the little dark wisps of his hair fall away from his perspiring brow while he lovingly grasps the Snitch with one tanned, muscular hand? Er-_(notices Fred giving him a strange look)_ I mean-

Fred: Exactly how much of that book rubbed off on you?

George: _(hastily changes the subject) _On to the next the question! Luna, what is the most memorable thing about Harry's temperament?

Luna: Hmm…I can't seem to think of anything at the moment. Oh, wait! _(rummages through her purse and pulls out a fuzzy green and orange striped stocking cap outlandishly decorated) (jams on ridiculous-looking hat) _This will help me, I'm certain of it.

George: What the h-e-double broomsticks is THAT?

Luna: _(beams) _It's my Thinking Cap. I put it on whenever I run out of ideas.

Fred: Luna, why isit covered in…weird stuff?

Luna: _(smiles proudly) _I glued on the puffballs and buttons myself. Some of these pins mean something as well. This badge right here-_(points at said badge)_-I obtained it when I went into that broken telephone booth back in my 4th year with the others-which wasn't really broken after all, when you think about it-to rescue Stubby Boardman. It's kind of a souvenir, really, although it is rather too bad that I didn't get a chance to get the Pluto shards-

Fred: Oh, I see. _(lying) _Well, we mustn't dilly-dally any longer, so-

Luna: Oh, yes. _(cluster of small silver bells looped onto tassel of cap clang loudly, drawing the attention of other diners, who stare curiously at the girl donning the peculiar garments) (Fred waves at them and winks) (They immediately turn back to whatever they were doing) _Well, Harry does have a bit of a temper at times, so it leads him to trouble often enough. So I would have to say that his fit of pique would be most unforgettable.

George: So what you're basically saying is…he's the jealous type?

Luna: I couldn't say jealous…

Fred: I'm surprised.

Luna: I would have to say that would be the understatement of the world.

Fred: No I'm not.

Luna: He gets rather psycho on me every time someone he doesn't know of the male sex gets within three feet of me. Once I visited my cousin Perry and Harry came to escort me home-that was when he was still paranoid about Voldemort-and he Apparated right when Perry was hugging me farewell. The next thing you know, Harry had tackled Perry to the ground and was wrestling with him, yelling himself hoarse about betrayal and adultery-and of course, there were the thousands of questions he asked me afterwards about trust and loyalty such-and well, it took quite a while to sort that one out.

Fred/George: (chortle appreciatively)

George: Does Harry have any secrets you'd like to share with us?

Luna: Well…your mother sent Harry some cute pajamas she made herself several months ago with baby hippogriffs all over them and Harry's worn them to sleep ever since.

Fred/George: _(double up in laughter) (really, though, they're practically in hysterics)_

George: _(gasping) _R…really…? I thought…Harry said…he chucked them out…what a liar!

Fred: Hahahahahahahahahhaha-

Luna: _(oblivious to their laughter) _He's really quite adorable when he's wearing them. In fact, I think I have pictures…_(rummages through her purse) _although really I was trying to photograph a few Gulping Plimpies at the time, for Daddy. But Harry kept getting in the way. But you can see them at Harry's shoulder, in the window-

Fred/George: _(suddenly perk up) _

Fred: Really? Pictures, you say?

George: Luna, if we ever say anything insulting to you ever again, remind us of your greatness.

Luna: _(surveys them inquiringly) _Well, I suppose I could do that. Here they are.  
Would you like one?

Fred/George: **_YES!_**

Luna: I've no idea you were so interested in Gulping Plimpies. Would you like a Gurdyroot, just in case?

Fred: Er…no thanks, you've sent Ron about a thousand now; we'll ask him for one if we ever need it. _(he and George commence to giggle like schoolgirls over the embarrassing photos of Harry and his baby hippogriff pajamas) _

Luna: It's odd, I've never seen anybody so amused over a horde of Gulping Plimpies. Usually they're screaming their heads off.

Fred/George: _(compose themselves) _

Fred: _(pockets secret weapon)_ Yes, well, thank you, Luna. Now, what's next? Oh yes, the questionnaire!

George: _(whips it out) _Here you go, Luna.

_(the grilling begins) _

**_How well do YOU (Luna) know Harry?_**

**1. WHAT IS HIS HOBBY?**

**2. WHAT IS HIS FAVORITE DESSERT?**

**3. WHAT PHYSICAL ATTRIBUTE DO YOU POSSESS THAT HARRY FINDS ENTICING (I.E. TOTALLY HOT)?**

**4. WHAT ANNOYING HABIT DO YOU POSSESS THAT HARRY FINDS, WELL, ANNOYING?**

**5. WHAT CHEESY PICKUP LINE WOULD HE CHOOSE IF YOU-KNOW-WHO SOMEHOW RETURNED FROM THE DEAD AND FORCED HIM TO SAY ONE TO YOU?**

**6. WHAT WAS HARRY'S FIRST THOUGHT WHEN HE FOUND OUT YOU WERE PREGNANT? A) _I AM SO HAPPY I'M GOING TO BE A FATHER! B) IS TODAY APRIL FOOL'S DAY BECAUSE THIS JOKE ISN'T FUNNY C) I CAN'T BELIEVE ENGLAND WON BY A POINT, LUCKY THAT THEY CAUGHT THE SNITCH ON TIMEORD) BLOODY HELL, I'M GOING TO BE A FATHER!_**

**7. T OR F: HARRY BELIEVES IN CRUMPLE-HORNED SNORKACKS.**

**Answer to #1:** Quidditch

**Luna's answer was:** Quidditch **so her answer was: **CORRECT

**Luna's reaction: **"I couldn't have got it wrong. Harry talks, plays, watches, and breathes Quidditch."

**Answer to #2: **Treacle fudge

**Luna's answer was: **Treacle fudge **so her answer was: **CORRECT

**Luna's reaction: **"I made him some for this birthday once. He could barely speak when I asked him how it tasted, so I assumed he must have really enjoyed it."

**Answer to #3: **Eyes

**Luna's answer was: **Eyes **so her answer was: **CORRECT

**Luna's reaction: **_(serene smile)_

**Answer to #4: **When I don't understand a word she's saying

**Luna's answer was: **When he doesn't understand a word I'm saying **so her answer was: **CORRECT

**Luna's reaction: -**blink-

**Answer to #5: **"Do you have a map? Because I'm lost in your eyes."

**Luna's answer was: **"Do you have a map? Because I'm lost in your eyes." **So her answer was: **CORRECT **(man, how did she GET that?)**

**Luna's reaction: **_(pats her Thinking Cap lovingly)_

**Answer to #6: **D

**Luna's answer was: **D **so her answer was: **CORRECT

**Luna's reaction: **"Mmm. I figured as much."

**Answer to #7: **F

**Luna's answer was: **T **so her answer was: **WRONG **(man, how did she MISS that?)**

**Luna's reaction: (**_eyes blinking rapidly and voice has lost its dreamy quality) _"Hmm. I certainly need to talk to Harry about this."

**10 pts. for each CORRECT answer.**

**8 pts. for each BASICALLY RIGHT answer.**

**5 pts. for each EH… answer.**

**0 pts. for each WRONG answer. **

**Total Possible Points: 70 (100)**

**Luna's Total: 60 (85.7 percent)**

George: Luna…are you, er, okay?

Luna: _(the usual pale and tranquil eyes now blazing with anger) _This is ridiculous, Harry not believing in Crumple-Horned Snorkacks! He _told_ me just yesterday he did, after I asked him to join the Secret Society of Crumple-Horned Snorkack Devotees and Lovers I was initiating, but he said he had to file his nails, that they were getting a bit long and then he was gone before I had a chance to even blink an eye. I suppose it was some lame excuse he came up with at the spur of the moment. Well tell Harry that his dear wife told him to take his Firebolt and shove it up his-

Fred: _(cuts in hastily) _Okay, okay, we get the picture, Luna. We'll make sure to tell Harry that ah…interesting bit of advice, so calm down. Yeah, just like that. Nice, slow, even breaths.

Luna: _(eyes return to normal tranquility and dreamy quality comes back to voice) _Thank you, Gred. You know, you should replace Harry's anger management tutor, you're much better than him.

Fred: Well, I _did_ have earlier plans to become a wizarding counselor and/or advisor if the magazine didn't work out-

George: _(cuts in hastily) _Well, me and George would like to thank you for your time. You can go down the street to that bookstore and browse about a bit while we interview Harry alone, I hear they have a sale on books about boring and imaginary-I mean, fascinating and all-too-real creatures like Crumple-Horned Snorkacks.

Luna: _(smiles dreamily and wanders out of the Three Broomsticks)_

Fred: Was it a smart idea for us to let her go alone?

George: I dunno, I think she can take care of herself. Probably.

Fred: Oh, here comes Harry!

Harry: _(looking pale and sickly)_

Fred: Harry, Harry, Harry, so nice to-ARRGHHH!

George: Stop it, Harry!...actually, never mind, Fred deserves it anyway, calling the love of my life an arse-face…

Harry: -busy strangling Fred-

(Fred's hands flail and knock over the Quick-Notes Quill, forcing it to-)

_-End-_


End file.
